cuddlecity | EVENT: MOTHERFORKING SHIRT BALLS

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EVENT: MOTHERFORKING SHIRT BALLS

EVENT: MOTHERFORKING SHIRT BALLS.

Good morning, Cadelle!

As March takes its final bow to make way for April, we're sure you're without a doubt wondering with bated breath if the city will somehow experience another deluge from the skies above or some other kind of natural disaster. After all, there's probably a number of you familiar with the concept of April showers, right? Despite the predictability that the first of the month tends to bring, the sun rises on a new month without much fanfare at all. The skies don't open up, the earth doesn't quake, and perhaps most disappointing of all, there's no fun activities to partake in hosted by the city's beloved Volunteer Coordinators, Flora and Cornelius.

However, that’s not to say nothing exciting has happened. Mayor Drake’s gone missing — in reality, she’s simply headed south of the border for a little much-needed R&R — and while the mayor’s away, the cats will play. (Or is that the other way around?)

As the sun begins to rise, it’s clear that there’s certainly something in the air. Check your CuddlePhone, and you might notice a strange crackling sound, as if you’d wandered into a field of static electricity; try to access anything but the city’s main pages and you’ll be greeted with a cheerful yellow message. Strange, but it may be worth reading:

DEAR CITIZENRY:

It has come to our attention that the city of Cadelle has begun a dangerous descent into a dungeon of disaster. Debauchery, drag racing, and even drunken revelry have begun to pervade our once-wholesome city, turning our citizenry into a class of common courtesans and charlatans! We shall not settle for such shameful social airs! Resist raunchy recklessness, Cadellians, or be redressed!
— CCC
The Concerned Citizens of Cadelle

While there’s admittedly quite a lot of alliteration to be found in said message, there’s not exactly a lot of meaning here. Should you head to City Hall for answers, you’ll find yourself greeted by the ever cheerful, smiling face of Doris Delatante — conveniently enough, the same Doris who so happens to be wearing a pin emblazoned with the logo of the CCC. (For the curious, said logo is a cat. They may be wordsy, but no one said they were particularly clever.)

You won’t get much in the way of answers out of Doris, only calm reassurances that everything is as it should be. It’s fine, of course! What could possibly be wrong with a little call to action? It’s only in the best interest of the city, isn’t it?

Whatever the reason, and whatever you think about Doris’ strange all-pink attire, it’s hardly the strangest thing you’ll experience in the coming days. Over the course of the following 24 hours, the city and its inhabitants begin to find themselves… well, shall we say, adjusted?

▸ As soon as the sun comes up on the morning of the first, a gentle breeze begins to blow through the city. With it comes a subtle change. You may notice it straight away, or you may not notice at all… but regardless, the change still comes: no swearing. No, really, we mean it. No matter how fervently or desperately you try, anything more colorful than a golly won’t slip past your lips… or your pen tips, for that matter. Any attempts to do so will result in comically ridiculous substitutions — like bullshirt, motherforker, or fish sticks!

▸ By mid-morning, the rays of the sun have left the city in perpetual spring warmth. It’s a beautiful day, complete with merrily chirping birds and the sweet smell of flowers blooming in every corner of the city. The day should stay beautiful, shouldn’t it? So perhaps it’s with no surprise that even your naked body won’t disparage it… as nudity, even seemingly innocuous moments like showering, is met with censorship. Should you disrobe to your birthday suit, you’ll be met with sudden and efficient pixelization from the neck down, blurring out all those distasteful parts of you a la the Sims. This might make getting frisky a bit difficult…

▸ Finally, by the time your first meal of the day rolls around, you might find yourself ready for a hot meal on the go, or perhaps just another cup of coffee. No matter whether you stop at your usual joint or wander around looking for something new, every delicious delectable food item you’ve been enjoying will have been replaced by the gently spinning faces of self-serve froyo machines. Shops look normal on the outside… but inside, you’ll be greeted with the florescent glow of your favorite (or perhaps least favorite ) trendy frozen yogurt shop. Come in for coffee and you might be irritated yet amused, but the flavors don’t stop at cheesecake or chocolate or caffe mocha. Nope! Keep exploring, and you’ll be greeted with such strange offerings as pasta flavored froyo, complete with marinara or alfredo flavored cookie crumbles, or bacon and eggs froyo with sausage sprinkles … or, for the desperate, beer flavored froyo. (Bar nuts cost extra… and yes, that froyo’s a virgin. Alcohol would ruin the consistency!)

It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it certainly doesn’t feel like you’re in the Cadelle you’ve come to know and love, does it? Hopefully Mayor Drake will come back sooner rather than later, but until then… well, we suppose you’ll just have to make the best of this Good Place!

Isn’t this sweet? April Fool’s, Cuddlers! We hope you enjoy this particularly silly spring event, brought to you by a meddling citizen and her penchant for good behavior… and your mod team’s recent bingewatch of a topical NBC comedy. We hope you’ll have fun ruining the bad behavior of your characters, even if they won’t have much fun with it!

If you have any further questions specific to this event, we encourage you to ask away on our QUESTIONS COMMENT here in this post. If you have general questions, or prefer a more private venue, our GENERAL INBOX (and SCREENED INBOX) is always available for you. In addition, if you've got an idea for a future event, feel free to drop us a line at our EVENTS SUGGESTION POST.

Have fun out there, and just remember: be excellent to each other!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

📌 network.

( kimberly doesn't care much about nudity. well, maybe that's unfair. to be more specific: kimberly doesn't care much about being naked in public. she tends to reserve that sort of thing for private shows these days rather than public avenues — not that she was ever really a nudist, and certainly not that she's ashamed of her body or anything. no, she's quite proud of it, actually. before she ever even picked up that glowing pink coin, kimberly hart had been a devoted gym-goer and cardio-doer, spending plentiful time in and out of the gym ensuring that her body was, as the kids say, ready. after it? well, the pit certainly helped to keep her up-to-date on what she was capable of doing, and here... well, zumba classes, the occasional spar, and plenty of impatient running around town definitely kept her in shape.

but when opportunity comes knocking, well, you don't just ignore it. and finding that her body just so happens to be totally and completely pixelated from head to toe regardless of which way she poses in the mirror could be irritating... but it could also, just maybe, be totally exhilarating. time to do something she's only ever seen in the movies. something she never thought she'd be ballsy or brave enough to do.

so mid-afternoon, after her last class of the day, kimberly sends off a mass text to everyone in her contacts list. )

look at my boobs!!!

( god, she's shameless. at least her shower selfie happens to include pixelated body parts this time. )

we can't get arrested for streaking if we're not actually showing off anything, right?

📌 your plate or mine.

( she likes to eat. she's a teenage girl with a ridiculous metabolism and an instagram obsession, of course she likes to eat. it's no surprise, then, that kimberly tends to find her mid-day meal at the wide and varied buffet lines of your plate or mine. with a salad bar that runs the entire south wall of the restaurant, she usually manages at least three or four meticulously plated (and impressively large) salads per visit.

except, of course, for today. while the restaurant is still open and still very much all you care to enjoy, the wall of beautifully chopped vegetables and salad accoutrements has been sadly replaced by a very much less appetizing wall of frozen yogurt machines. and, naturally, it's a no-refunds-once-you-enter kind of place; even the unimpressed girl working the counter seems unsympathetic to kimberly's distress. so it seems, despite her irritation, she's stuck with a room full of unappealing froyo for lunch. no way she's going to waste what she just paid and bail without eating something. )

Which is worse: cucumber or ranch froyo?

📌 wildcard.

( you know the drill, kids. )

isn't that missing the point, then?

idk? maybe?

( don't be so damn logical. )

i can check it off my bucket list, though

well by all means, Kim, enjoy going streaking. Appreciate the invite, but I'll pass :)

okay, dad
thanks for the stamp of approval

what if it the pixel thing drops while you're naked in the streets? maybe i should just drive very slowly by your side in case you need a getaway

kimberly hart — open!

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