cuddlecity | a dream of spring (OTA with locked starters)

( Sansa means it in many ways, both the obvious and not so obvious. Since she's relaxed and safe at the moment, she feels comfortable enough to discuss them more plainly than she might normally. )

People who care about me tend to die. People pretend to care about me and then deliver me into the hands of monsters. Westeros isn't like this place, Baby. In Westeros, the monsters always win. It's always a game and the other player is one step ahead of you - you don't have all the pieces to have a fair fight.

( She sighs a bit and tries to decide how to phrase the next bit. )

A man who told me that he'd protect me, a man who intimated to me that he had been a friend of my mother's? He sold me in a marriage to someone who humiliated me and brutalized me. That is what I am used to. It makes me cautious about trusting people because they'll turn. People aren't like that here, though. You're not like that. Kimberly isn't like that. I've never had that outside of my own family.

[ There's no words the express how it feels, to hear her say that. To even try and imagine what that life had been for her. It's not a big leap to think that this is just the way Sansa's world works, what she's used to, what's considered normal and acceptable to her, and it makes Baby irrationally angry to even think that anyone, let alone someone as sweet as Sansa, could have been treated in this way. He likes to think that his life hasn't been easy every day, but this is another level entirely.

His jaw clenches as he forces himself to keep his hand soft on her hair, trying not to betray his feelings. ]

I'm so sorry, Sansa. That's - that's not a life.

It's the way things are. Life is an ugly thing sometimes, especially when you're a member of a Great House who went traitor. I believe my family did what they thought was honorable. They simply didn't consider the political climate before they did it.

( Sansa sighs a bit and closes her eyes, utterly relaxed with the way he's combing his fingers through her hair. She loves these soft touches like this, the currency of affection between a couple that she's never been privy to before. )

I'm steel now. I won't break.

[ Baby bites the inside of his lip as Sansa talks, her voice and body relaxed, like they're talking about the weather, and not the fact that she was used, and abused, when she deserved so much better.

But she is strong, now, hardened by difficulties in ways Baby can't even imagine.
]

Do you resent your family?

No, I could never resent them. They simply didn’t realize what taking on House Lannister would mean and my brother was reckless and foolish when he declared himself against the Iron Throne. Still, wolves run together.

( This is something Sansa firmly believes, the fact that House Stark’s loyalty to family comes before all others is not lost on her. It’s something she keeps close to her heart even if she has to sometimes be more practical and deal with those who aren’t exactly loyal. )

There’s a saying in the North. When the winter winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. I’ve been a lone wolf for a long time, trapped in a den of lions. What little bit of my family I have back now, I could never resent.

[ Baby nods. He might not understand but he’s more than willing to take Sansa at her word. This is so far out of his reach, after all. ]

Maybe one of them will come here, in Cadelle. Maybe you’ll get to be with family again.

[ Joe is never going to come to Cadelle, even if he could, of that Baby is sure. He’s got to make his own family, here. ]

I want my family to be here. If they're here, I know they're safe and nothing can harm them. My home is a very dangerous place.

( Sansa loves Winterfell with all her heart but if she never gets to return and gets to have her family here, safe and sound, as a consequence? She'll take it in a heartbeat. )

Is that the wish you made?

( Sansa shakes her head and her smile is shy and embarrassed. Her wish is nothing so noble as that. )

No, I wished to have peace and time for myself. I wanted to have a chance to simply be Sansa and not the Lady of Winterfell or Princess of House Stark.

Do you want to know what I wished for?

[ It might be better that she knows he’s not exactly a good person before she gets too involved with him. ]

I do.

( Sansa says it softly, face relaxed and soft. She feels comfortable with him in this moment and feels like they can share anything together. )

[ He takes a breath, a long one, to prepare himself. He isn't sure she'll still like him, after he tells her. ]

I wanted to avoid going to prison. I'd just been arrested, after... Let's just say, I made some bad choices. And there was only one way for me to get out for good from the influence of these bad people. But it ends with me in prison.

( Sansa considers that for a moment. There are always two sides to any story and sometimes a person needs to make bad decisions for a good end. She'd learned that from the Lannisters, from Lord Baelish, from other players in the grand game. She doesn't fault Baby for things he's had to do. )

I cannot fault you for this, Baby. Good people get put in prison all the time. I was kept captive solely because my father was trying to do the right thing. My father was held in a dungeon and he was the most honorable man I've ever known. You are a good man.

[ He winces at her answer, wishing that he felt like that kind of man. His fingers tighten in her hair for a second as he purses his lips, his expression pained. ]

I don't think I deserve you.

[ He didn't think he deserved Debra, either. Or Isabelle. But it rings just as true with Sansa, such an innocent, delicate being, that has been hurt so much in the past. He wants to give her the care she needs, but his hands have blood all over them. ]

( Sansa frowns up at him from her position on his lap, concerned that he doesn’t feel he deserves her. She’s not someone worthy of all that. She’s just a person. )

Baby, I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. There’s nothing you could have done that is as bad as what I’ve done.

( Sansa pauses a bit to collect her thoughts. There’s blood on her hands too, a lot of it, and he should know that. )

I murdered Ramsay, my husband. I set his own hounds on him for what he did to me. I ordered the death of Lord Baelish for betraying me and saw the sentence carried out. You can’t have done anything worse than that. I don’t feel bad about my choices. I was forced into them by circumstances. We all make choices like this.

[ The way she admits the things she's done, it grips at Baby's heart. She has no regrets, where he has plenty, but if she's telling him her truth like this, it's all he can do to share right back. No secrets. ]

I killed this guy, Bats. It was him or me. He was planning on killing me, so I did it first. And then, I killed someone else - he was also trying to kill me. I didn't. I didn't want to do it.

[ He knows his eyes are growing teary at the confession, at the weight of saying the words out loud. ]

People died because of me, when all I wanted was just to live my life without being a criminal. And where I'm from, that - that's bad, Sansa. I killed two people. I should be in jail, for the rest of my life.

You were backed into a corner, Baby. Is it any different than what I did? You said yourself both men desired to kill you. One is allowed to raise his hand in defense of his person, at least they are in Westeros.

( Sansa moves to sit up, wanting to comfort him and unable to do so from her current position. She moves to sit beside him and cups his cheek with her hand. )

You were forced to make terrible choices. This doesn't make you a bad person. I refuse to believe that.

[ He takes a sharp breath, his eyes meeting Sansa's, then looking away, trying not to let the crushing feeling of what he's done overwhelm him. But her words are sweet, and they settle gently in his heart, making him feel like awful. Which, again, is exactly why he doesn't deserve her, but he gets that he's not going to manage to make her realize this. She's made her choice, and he's luckier than he ever thought he'd be. Again. ]

My foster dad would say the same thing. You'd like him.

( Sansa presses a kiss against his cheek, gentle and kind. She wants Baby to know she cares about him regardless of what he's done in the past and he hasn't changed her heart about him one bit. )

I think I would. You're the best man I've ever known, Baby. The depth of how much I care for you astounds me and I won't be frightened off by a few things you did to survive. All right?

[ He'd like to tell her that being the best man she's ever known doesn't mean much when most of the men she's known are abusers and rapists, but he also knows she cares for her father, her brothers.

And the rest of what she says is more important anyway. He turns his head to look at her again, hand reaching up to cradle her jaw. ]

All right. Thank - thank you.

a dream of spring (OTA with locked starters)

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